I would like to officially apologize to all the people I wronged at Bonnaroo:
1) The old man working the corndog stand with the trippy puppet. I should not have slapped the puppet. But you should not have asked if the puppet could rub aloe on my sunburn.
2) The passed-out couple under the shady tree. I am the one who painted a wizard scene on your underparts. You will find it in several days when you shower next.
3) Willie Nelson. You were right. Cops don’t laugh when I say, ‘Hey Willie Nelson just called you a bunch of pussies.”
4) The good folks at the medical tent. My mistake. The concert was NOT being attacked by rats with lasers for teeth.
5) Kanye. I hid some poop on your tour bus because I got mad you went on so late. It’s behind the mini fridge.
If any of you dirty hippies are going to Bonnaroo this weekend, come see Paul Scheer and I at the comedy tent. We’re co-hosting some Funny Or Die shows Sat and Sun.
It is 1:30 am and something just scared the poop out of me. I was walking into my house and I walked past a car parked on the street. Suddenly a woman started screaming. It scared me so much I yelled, “OH GOD!” Then I realized it was a couple fucking in the back of the car. They didn’t even hear me yell they were doing it so hard. It was a tiny Honda civic and they were piled in the hatchback like groceries. And they appeared to be quite fat. And totally nude. I wonder why my house seems like a super-secret fuck-spot for the obese.
This is hard to say. We tried so hard. But I can’t do this anymore. It’s just not working. I know I made you do some weird stuff. And you were always game. But dammit. I need to be with someone who really gets me. And I don’t think you do. You’re a special lady. And there’s probably someone out there for you. But it ain’t me. Now get out of here before I burn the house down again.
Derrick. Ask yourself why you got benched on Saturday. I’ll tell you. You’re a fucking green belt. As your friend, I feel I should be honest. You’re not strong enough or smart enough to defend yourself or others against real danger. I’m talking about dudes with knives and guns. Are you ready for that shit? Not with the green you’re not. Get off your ass. Stop crying. I’ve been involved in the Big Brother program for a long time. Because I like to help out. Don’t make me regret picking you. Get that Brown belt within 2 weeks or I’m out.
