2008

Jul

I hope my pants don’t fall down again at Comic Con.

I just bought this beautiful meat necklace off ebay. Look...

Five of these people had a lot of sex at last year’s...

Someone sent me a nice painting of me. And then they tried...

‘Space Chimps’ flings dung at audience -

Timothy Griggs from upcoming summer reality hit, ‘Kids...

Where people spotted me today: 10:30 am My neighbor saw me...

Human Giant is so psyched for Comic Con!

She does not look like she is enjoying it. He should have...

My brain just fell off.

I paid a lot of money to see this play with these kids in...

This moshing video made me laugh.

These are delicious.

simko: eatPES’ newest (creative) stop-motion short.

Eliot Spitzer sizing up his daughter’s prom date. ...

I should have posted this on July 4th!

Douglas, Of all the kids here at Camp Chunky, you are my...

ARE YOU LOOKING FOR A CREEPY SUMMER JOB? WOULD YOU LIKE TO MAKE $1000 PER HOUR? CAN YOU HOLD YOUR...

Christine: I want you to know that I get it. You love...

Let’s take a day off from eating bald eagles on July...

My Grandmother finally finished her Santa Claus rug. She...

Jun

When will I learn that the women I meet at Woodland Creature...

Try to find me in this video. I’m the one with a tiny little boner.

This clip may have just changed my whole life. This kid and his skateboarding, has motivated me to...

This bike is called the Bitchcruiser. I would never buy a...

I am constantly inspired by the athletes that people...

Keith and Laura thought it was a great idea to get a...

Chris Rock introduces Metallica at Bonnaroo (1:40). Metallica destroys my brains (the rest of the...

2008 BONNAROO APOLOGIES: I would like to officially...

Lou Ferrigno and I had lunch. I joked that the new...

He did not like that. He ripped out my teeth and is on his...

If any of you dirty hippies are going to Bonnaroo this...

Today is the last day I will have blonde hair for the rest...

It is 1:30 am and something just scared the poop out of me. ...

Radiohead covers 'Nobody Does it Better'

“Office Worker Goes Crazy” is funnier to music…

Dear Shonda, This is hard to say. We tried so hard. But I...

I just found out what I’m supposed to be doing with my...

Derrick. Ask yourself why you got benched on Saturday. ...

“TREAT YOURSELF!!”
— The older lady who lives next...

I challenge you to not watch this. It’s impossible. I will only appear in things shot in...

Hello ‘Deal or No Deal’ model that I tried to...

May

Hump my netflix:

Here’s my next five (unless I hear otherwise). Then what? -I am Legend -SuperHigh...

To whoever brought that weirdo kid to my BBQ. Please...

If you don’t see this movie, you will get your ass...

Someone made this painting of me. It took weeks to do. I...

Monkeys Control a Robot Arm With Their...

This was in New Orleans. Trust me, those were not acts of...

I could completely see myself doing something like this…

My friend Eric turned me on to these photos of TV. I wonder...

Just bought this!! My favorite thing about the Mr. Squirrel...

I have had blonde hair and a fake tan for about a month now...

This was one good thing though. I did a photo shoot with...

Wanna great workout but hate exercise? …do it the old fashioned way….NUT SHOTS!

I feel like I need to talk to Gene and the gang about our...

Stealing babies and stiff-arming their moms down to the...

“Hmmm. I wonder if Rob Huebel knows how awesome he...

I went down to New Orleans this week with Habitat for...

We just got in a huge fight with MTV over the new Human...

…this is supposed to be Aziz…

This is where I lost my virginity while on vacation. Spring...

This is my childhood home. Or the woods near my childhood...

I GIVE YOU THE SAT'S

Each sentence below has one or two blanks, each blank indicating that something has been omitted....

Bernice. I hate to do this on my tumblr, but it’s...

I GIVE YOU THE SAT'S

A special lottery is to be held to select the student who will live in the only deluxe room in a...

Someone sent me a chewing gum sculpture of me. I...

Newborn babies aren’t good photographers. They...

NOTE TO THE TSA: Often when I travel, I wear my TG400 Penis...

Nubian Witch seeking Mature White Male Witch

My brother was robbed at gunpoint a couple nights ago. This...

Here is a complete episode of Ghost Hunters. I hereby prove Ghosts exist. You’re welcome.

I had to offer up my body or else he would have killed me...

I enjoy commercials for meat. GO MEAT.

Mylady: Remembering us together upon your steed, Damian. ...

I have been playing a lot of Rockband lately, and I very...

This woman does not like it when you look at her ass. Stop...

Apr

Okay. Am I going crazy? I was about to take my bath today...

FYI: I’m pretty sure this map is a fucking hoax. ...

Aziz and I went to see Chris Rock last night and saw Clooney...

If a guy in a ski mask pulls a gun on me, he should just...

I should probably apologize for the...

I keep seeing it when I go to my dumb tumblr, and it is upsetting.

This is Randy and Janice. I hate them. Who doesn’t? ...

I took this picture of Brianna and Todd. When Todd went to...

This is Rick and Judy. They suck as a couple. All they do...

This is Greg and Shemaine. I hate them so much. They get...

I took this picture this morning. Obviously I hate this...

…but because they brag about how they grow their own...

Another photo I took of a couple I hate. Mainly because...

Part of my new photo project on Couples. Most people think...

PEOPLE ARE OUTRAGED OVER 'MILF ISLAND'. ...

You know you want one…

Human Giant on Jimmy Kimmel Live. Afterwards, Bret Michaels and I went out drinking and he showed...

I will be on the all-new 30 ROCK this week (Thurs 8:30). I hope you will watch it. I hope I...

My conversation with an old man

Me: Hey old man, whatcha eating?
Old man: Well I'm eatin' a big bag of doritos.
Me: Oh, that's a line from a sketch we did on Human Giant.
Old man: What?
Me: You just said a line from our sketch, 'commercial jingles'.
Old man: I don't know what the fuck you mean, young sportsman.
Me: Well we're gonna be on Jimmy Kimmel live this Wed the 9th.
Old man: I ain't watchin'.
Me: Well we're gonna sign DVD's at Amoeba in Hollywood Thurs the 10th at 7pm.
Old man: I ain't comin'.
(pause)
Me: You aren't even eating doritos. You're just sitting here all alone. What made you say that line to me?
Old man: How 'bout this: eat my poo!
(I walk away bewildered)

snakes are jerks

I heard that Steve Martin used to give these to people who...

photo by Seth Olenick

Human Giant Makes the Cover of The Gay Porn...

Mar

I just got back from Vegas where I was attacked by The Incredible Hulk. He was pissed.

nicepiece: The Most Depressing Watch Ever: Prepare to Be...

I recently tried these tactics to get away from a gunman. I was shot in the face and neck seven...

I enjoy ruining magic tricks while listening to Lincoln Park.

Human Giant isn't affiliated with North...

that is an MTV show on after us. we don’t know them.

Threadless Loves Human Giant.

This is from a sketch we killed. Mainly because robot arms...

azizisbored: Watch Human Giant tonight at 11 pm on MTV or I will shoot you with a T-Shirt Gun....

Rob Riggle (from The Daily Show) is forcing Paul to eat corn...

Don’t worry. There is plenty more blood coming up in...

This photo is just to prove to my parents that nothing...

HUMAN GIANT SEASON 2 PREMIERES TONIGHT AT 11 ON MTV! Watch...

Come see Human Giant at the Museum of TV and...

The Shutterbugs and the boss that fired them, Bobbe J....

Battle Sector 17. A sci-fi show that will soon be...

Will Arnett has sex w/ Human Giant. For consenting adults only.

I could not resist photographing our street posters. ...

Women’s basketball is stressful.

Click here and listen to Human Giant...

Feb

Carpet Monkey!! Season 2 starts March 11 at 11.

These people hate targets. I mean, they really, really hate them.